I am midnight drunk by noon
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
