It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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