how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
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Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
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You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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