About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
