I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Randomize
