I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
