Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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