I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize