I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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