guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
