Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
