Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
And then my night got REAL pukey
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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