i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
