You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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