I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
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He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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