I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
