I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
