I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
