Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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