i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
