haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
