the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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