I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
