Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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