Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
