I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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