Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
