ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
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he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
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I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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