Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
