Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
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It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
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in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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