the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
