I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
