It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
