i wish my penis had a tongue
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
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I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
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I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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