I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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