i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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