Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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