Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
She's the barista slut.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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