I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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