so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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