one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
