Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
