I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
