Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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