I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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