when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
