Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
