Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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