Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
