I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
