Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
