watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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