i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
