Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
