fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
it hurts more in the daytime
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
