I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
