I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Randomize
