9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
