I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
