Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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