My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
we're so committed to being not committed
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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